i have officially piqued, i’ll never be funnier than this moment in time
i was walking through the grocery store ignoring everyone and i walked around the corner and ran right into this old mans cart and i was like “oh god, my bad, i didn’t see you there” and when i looked up, he was wearing all camo. down to his hat. his wife lost it laughing. i’ll never be funny again
We had to write a Mini Comic for my Illustration Class so I did mine based on The Frog and The Scorpion. Hopefully you all know the story!
But if you don’t know the story… In the original the scorpion stings the frog in the middle of the river. When the frog asks “why” the scorpion says “it’s in my nature” and they both die. I like my ending more.
Done with watercolor and pen and ink nib.
I always thought this story was fucked up, even when I heard it as a very young child. I even got put in the naughty corner, and a star next to my name crossed off for questioning it.
This story is so much better, and I like it’s message much more.
My wife and I were were talking the other day and, I don’t remember what we were even talking about, but the idea came up that we would need an oreo for. I joked about getting one from my secret stash. This is where she made her mistake. She said “oh right, like you could have an Oreo stash without me knowing about it.”
I’m sorry?
That’s a challenge.
Oreos aquired.
I’m going to hide them in a super simple place at first
But be sure to follow this post while I chronicle all the ways and places I hide them and also how I plan on taunting her with cookies while she can’t find the package
She is out of the house for a moment so it’s time to enjoy a few cookies
And find a new hiding spot
Hehehe
They up there
Normally I’m a Oreos with milk kinda guy, but I’ll take coffee if coffee is available
Now to hide them right under her nose
She never looks under the TV for anything. Tonight when we are watching Halloween Wars I’ll have a big dopey grin on my face
Time to up the stakes. It was fun having em here and hiding them around her while she didn’t know what was happening. Bit now it’s time for her to be in on the game she is playing
Four cookies packed in her lunch. Game on
I’ve been cleaning house today and feeling like I’ve done a pretty good job. Time to reward myself with some delicious Oreos
Aaaaand put them where she would never find them in a million years
🙂
Got up early this morning and helped pack everyone’s lunch. Pulling a damn Oprah over here
You get some cookies! You get some cookies! Everyone gets cookies!
Then a devious idea struck me…
I put the remaining Oreos in a baggie to hide by themselves. Now to “hide” the package where it will probably be found…
And pin the actual stash to the inside of the closet wall
If you two weren’t already married I’d beg you to marry her because you two are obviously perfect for each other and I love this post with all my heart
This guy’s dopey grin at his success at hiding oreos is exactly what I’m here for
You like that eh? Well you are going to love today’s installment
Look at that. So sad. So few Oreos left
Guess I’ll just pin em right to the middle of the wall in the middle of the living room. She’ll never find em there
Oh, guess I should put this back up
Bwa ha ha ha! You guys! You guys don’t understand! I was planning on doing this and when I got home and looked at it I was like “aww, it’s too thin. They won’t fit.” I even TOLD my wife this and how I was disappointed that I wouldn’t be able to hide them back there.
But then I looked again. They dooooo
Thank you all so much for the love. I knew y’all would like this, but I had no idea you would like it THIS MUCH. People calling us “goals” and stuff… Man…. It’s kinda hard to take in ya know? Anyways: if this post gets Over 9000™ before I get off work today I will pick up Halloween Oreos on my way home and this will not stop
In order to appreciate each other more, God and Satan switch places for a week. However, in order not to cause any havoc among their followers, they have to pretend to be each other.
God, being the creator of geese, had no troubles in his task.
I wonder if Satan would get annoyed and fed up in watching like two days in then spend the rest of the week on earth doing stuff
Your emotions are directly connected to the weather that your small village will experience. If you are happy, it’s comfortable, warm, and sunny; if you’re sad, it will rain; if you’re angry is can cause thunderstorms or a burning heat that causes fires. You are not aware of this fact, but your entire village is and will manipulate you in order to feel the emotions they need to survive.
“Please, Edward,” said Carlisle. “For God’s sake, you’re ruining it for the rest of us.” He squinted up at the brilliant blue sky, the balmy breezes wafting through the trees, and winced. “You had that whole Byronic hero mystique going, that – that dark and broody – that overcast demeanor that drew her to you in the first place! Please,” he said, and clasped his hands together. “None of us have been able to go out in public during daytime for weeks! Do you know how much school your siblings have been missing?”
“Shan’t,” said Edward manfully. He tilted up his chiseled chin, the sunlight rippling off his flawless skin in waves of diamantine sparkles. “This is love, Carlisle. The very sight of her stirs emotions in me that I had long thought lost, inaccessible. I would do anything to bring her joy, to see her glorious face blossom into spring -!”
“You’re ruining it for the rest of us!” shrieked Carlisle. “It’s just been sunshine, sunshine, sunshine for weeks! An unseasonable heatwave! Even for the humans! The crops are dying! Well, maybe not the crops,” he said, and kicked a patch of dried grass, “but you must see that this is rapidly going to become unlivable!”
“How can I deny her nature, that the clouds should part and that the sun should shine down upon our happiness -”
“I’m not saying break up with her! You can have your love! I’m just saying, a little, um, tempestuousness in the relationship. A little changeability.” Carlisle pressed a hand to his heart, painting pictures in the air with the other. “You must remember what your relationship was like when it began. That stormy, unrequited yearning, the tumult that you both weathered in discovering your own hearts -”
“Oh, I remember, all right,” Edward said sullenly, crossing his arms. “I wasn’t getting any then.”
“Oh, for -!” Carlisle started to say, before the sound of a twig snapping interrupted him.
“What are you two…?” Bella came crashing clumsily through the branches. A tiny furrow formed on her smooth brow as she crossed the clearing, and for a moment a shadow moved across the sun, the day becoming overcast. Carlisle darted his eyes up hopefully, head twitching. “Were – were you two talking about me?” she said.
In an instant Edward had crossed to her, not even treading on the grass, and pressed her to his marble breast. “Only to say that I could never bear to be apart from you.” He looked down at her with his soulful eyes. “That I would seek to obtain for you any happiness, regardless the cost.” Bella’s lips turned up in a smile, the clouds parting, a breeze carrying a fragment of bird song by, as a ray of sun shone through the clouds to bathe them both in a dappled spotlight that painted Edward in a glittering dew.
“Oh for God’s sake!” said Carlisle. “You don’t see it? You don’t -?” He gestured furiously at the sunbeam, his motions growing progressively wilder until he was practically flailing at the sky. “Have you genuinely not already figured this out?!”
“Carlisle…” Edward said warningly.
“F-figured out what?” Bella said, and a chill wind blew crosswise along the grass, sending an involuntary shiver up her spine.
“All this!” yelled Carlisle. “The pathetic fallacy! The – the – the clouds, the sky, nature itself conforming to your oh-so-important feelings! That egocentric conception of the world where the only reason the sun is shining down is because of your happiness!” The sky grew darker as he spoke, the wind picking up and whipping at his hair. “There! You see? It’s getting stormy now because you’re being yelled at! Because that’s what drives the world, sure, a teenage girl’s emotions! It couldn’t be, oh, a complex system of high and low pressure zones and – and wind patterns and all these factors that meteorologists make a study of deciphering! No! You lived in Arizona and you were happy and so everything was bright and sunny! And then when your mother made you move, of course Forks was gloomy and overcast! Of course!” He was screaming over the howling of the wind, his coat flapping wildly. “It’s all about you! Everything’s always about you!”
“Listen here!” yelled Edward, shoving an ivory finger into Carlisle’s face, “I’ll not have you raise your voice to my beloved -!”
“And meanwhile, for all of us in the real world, all sunshine and no rain makes a drought! The trivial practicalities that little miss special doesn’t have to concern herself with!”
Edward bared his fangs, arching his fingers into claws. Drops of rain slashed across his skin, water running down across the impenetrable marble of his form. “I’m warning you, Carlisle, one more word …”
“Edward,” Bella said quietly, putting a hand on his arm. The wind died, the clearing suddenly silent. Pollen hung in the air, suspended like strands of silk gathering dew.
“Bella,” he started to say, closing his hands around hers.
“It was bright,” she said, looking straight into Carlisle’s eyes. “A sun that stretched out forever. When my mother told me we were moving, I thought my life was being uprooted. It was searing, oh yes, right before we left. Stark. A sun that could raze the earth clean and only leave the ashes.”
“Um,” said Carlisle.
“Um,” said Edward.
“I thought I was going to be friendless and alone,” Bella said. “I thought I was leaving something irreplaceable behind.” The sky overhead was a pale, crepuscular blue, cloudless and somehow suffocating, as thin as ether. “And once I got here, you know what happened?” A small smile crept across her face. “Everyone was perfectly lovely to me. I fit right in. I made a lot of friends.”
The grass rustled, the tips of their blades reaching towards the sky, trembling. “I moved across the country, leaving seventeen years of my life behind, and nothing changed. I traded the open expanses of sun for this gloomy little town, and nothing changed. I was as happy as I had ever been. I was as loved as I had ever been. I left my life behind and found nothing missing.”
The strands of her hair lifted, floating, weightless. Static hummed through the air. A high pressure zone surrounded the grassy clearing. A bubble about to pop. “And so I got to thinking: My life couldn’t have meant very much to begin with, could it?”
“I don’t -” Carlisle started to say. He looked around desperately. The stars were out. The sky was the color of lightning. Edward stumbled, backing away from her. “If – if you weren’t happy – But the weather’s been so nice, these past few weeks …”
“Weather,” said Bella, testing the syllables in her mouth as if the word was something funny. “Storms. Sunshine. It’s all just a meaningless localization in the grand scheme of things, isn’t it? ‘If global warming is real, then why is it snowing?’ Ha ha. Methane farts, the slow decomposition of the planet. Everything bit by bit becoming unlivable. And meanwhile the rain falls and the sun shines and the weather goes on and on and on, a razor-thin scuff of air coating the surface of the Earth, for all it matters.
“You think it’s nice weather. That the sun is shining, that the sky is bright and blue. But all that is is sunbeams falling apart in the atmosphere, scattering their lonesome blueness. It’s all illusion.” There was nothing above them now, nothing separating them from the void. Bella’s eyes were empty.
“The sky is black.”
“Please!” gasped Edward, on his knees, grasping at her hand. “Please! Bella! I – I love you! If nothing else, I love you!”
She looked down at him, a hollow fondness in her eyes. “I wanted you so badly,” she said, voice tinged with remembrance, “because I thought that you were Death.”
The sky was a placid blue, cotton clouds drifting carefree across it, and she pulled Edward up and threw her arms around him, flower petals dancing in the breeze around them. “You’re so sweet, I love you too!” she said.
“Uhh,” said Edward, rigid in her arms, eyes wide with what might have been arousal or astonishment or pure terror.
“Um. Yes. So -” Carlisle patted down his hair, unsteady on his feet, uncertain of the ground beneath him. “I, um – That is to say -”
“Oh, that’s right!” Bella said. “You said it was too sunny! That we weren’t having enough rainy days!”
“I. Um.” He nodded dumbly. “Yes.”
“Hm.” She pursed her lips thoughtfully. “We can do sullen, can’t we?” She leaned into Edward, her eyes lidded. “Mournful and brooding. Yeah. You’re more sexy that way, anyway.” Clouds rolled in, the sky a rumbling, deep-throated gray, the world twilight, a thin mist of rain dampening her hair and making Edward’s shirt cling to his defined pecs. She glanced at Carlisle, coughed. “Excuse me,” she said.
“Oh!” said Carlisle, and backed away, stumbling over his own heels. The clouds cloaked them, made them human again, softened them in shadow, and he backed away from the clearing, watching the branches close in around Bella and Edward until neither of them visible.
Rain thundered down in earnest, a blood-warm downpour that soaked Carlisle to his skin as he began to run back home, and far behind him sounded the sonorous peals of thunder.
HOW DID I MISS THIS?!?!?! THIS IS SO WORTH THE READ!!!!!
If this was how it was, I’d read the fuck out of Twilight.
artherra 