Tag: mental illness

till-the-end-of-thebucky:

do you guys ever get to that point where hobbies are literally stressful? like people are like “oh your depressed and/or anxious? just do something you love!” but literally doing the things you actually do still like doing stresses you out because you don’t know if you’re doing them often enough or right enough or if you’re having enough fun doing them

She stared into the window. The night was dark enough that she could clearly see the reflection of the furniture, but the angle at which she sat thankfully hid her own shaking form from her sight.

“G-d, tell me, what’s the point – what’s the point of living in a cruel world?” It sounded pathetic, dumb, even to her own ears, it sounded too much like begging she swore so much to be above.

The fear stayed. “It’s too much. Everything’s too much,” she inhaled, voice shaking. “If happiness is about being aware of our influence, our significance – why do we live in a world where more controls us than we can control? Why do we live in a world so set on hiearchy, on luck? Is there any point in significance, if all we have is just the illusion of it?”

Her exhausted brain imagined what they would say, how they’d react, without her wanting it.

You’re too arrogant, too narcissistic-,

The world wasn’t saved by whining-

Too ambicious, hypocritical, sensitive. Typical-

The fear returned, stabbed through her chest like an iron rod, making her fight for her breath before she could force out the words. “No, no, no, I don’t want to die. I never said that. I’d rather run from my problems than end them permanently.”

“Just tell me, whoever you are… What’s the point of living?”

“What’s the point, when all we do is just exist?”

There was no answer.

– unrelated excerpt from the thoughts that appeared, stuck and lingered.

smarmyanarchist:

voicehearer:

that I used the words “ego-syntonic” and “ego-dystonic” when talking to a psychiatrist was used as evidence by that psychiatrist that I was obviously faking, additionally, the fact that I have read and memorized various portions of the dsm was presented as evidence by a psychologist that I was obviously faking

this is an attitude I have commonly encountered amongst mh professionals, which is, If You Appear To Have Accessed The Forbidden Psychiatric Knowledge And You Are A Patient, That Is A Bad Sign

like I remember a psychiatrist who got mad at me for my explaining that if I was bipolar I had to be having a manic episode and not a hypomanic episode because my symptoms were, by the criteria in the dsm, definitively manic and not hypomanic

the same psychiatrist brushed it off when i explained that me stimming was not an ocd compulsion, because it did not meet any of the dsm criteria for being a compulsion, saying that “well, no one is ever a textbook case“

same psychiatrist again, said “excuse me, are you the doctor?” when i was genuinely trying to be helpful by suggesting a starting dosage for a med I had been on before

he was clearly very threatened by me knowing or indicating that I knew anything about Official Psychiatric Information, and this is, aside from being very frustrating, is completely fascinating to me

why is it a threat if I know psychiatric terminology? why is it a threat if I have read the dsm? why is a diagnosis only valid if the patient doesn’t have the faintest idea what it means and adamantly disagrees that they have it? (one example: I was dxed with bpd for the first time, had never heard the term and disagreed, saw a different psychiatrist who I told about the dx and the fact that I had googled it and now I was more receptive to the dx given that I had read more about it, and this psychiatrist told me I “shouldn’t self diagnose” and dxed me with bipolar instead. in this instance, me agreeing with the bpd dx instantly made it no longer applicable)

like there is very much a power thing in psychiatry where the ideal patient knows nothing about their diagnosis or medication beyond what they are told by a mh professional, agrees with whatever they are told, and then complies with no further question, complaint or disagreement

I literally just describe the symptoms as I experience them and pretend I don’t know what any of it means or any of the psychiatric jargon because playing dumb is the only way I can get doctors to believe I’m actually experiencing those symptoms.