i love it when people tell you that your mental disorders are fake. like…why would i be suffering like this and wasting my youth, which is meant to be the best years of my life, for pretend?
OH, DO I? (Spoiler: I do.) These are not gonna read like a story with continuity but like an explosion of plot bunnies that are all near and dear to my charred and empty heart and frolic freely in the garden of my mind:
Okay but: tiny Sam using magic unaware for the first time when he’s a kid. He has a “bad dream” about Dean and John getting in trouble with a giant black dog-thing and Dean almost getting hurt, but something protects Dean and keeps the creature from causing him harm. Sam doesn’t know about hunting at all, so he just assumes the whole thing was a weird dream.
Consider: psychic!witch!Sam. Twice the ability to protect and get in trouble! Twice the reason for his family to look at him like he’s a particular dangerous piece of moldy bread.
BBC MERLIN AU WITH SAM IN THE ROLE OF MERLIN? ♥
No wait. Crossover. Sam and Merlin would be such great friends. My sassy, suffering children.
It’s very, very hard to imagine John being okay with Sam practicing any kind of witchcraft/magic, so how about: AU where Sam grows up with Bobby and sometimes Rufus. He devours literally all the books. Even though he doesn’t really go hunting with John and Dean, he does everything he can to make sure they’re protected.
Obligatory SamMax canon AU: Max teaches Sam witchcraft and also flirting with guys. *wink wink nudge nudge know what I mean?*
Sam as promising witch being taken in and mentored by Rowena, who is vocally critical of his way too nice way of practicing the craft but secretly respects the ever-living stuffing out of his skills and thinks it’s a shame he’s not willing to kill people, because he’d be a force to be reckoned with in her circles.
“Sam, Darling, won’t you join my mega-coven?” *Sam, probably curing cancer or something* “….No.”
Patrick the Poker Witch taking Sam in and teaching him his trade. Yum, Immortal Poker Witch!Sam. Patrick was awesome. Seriously. I loved him. I totally headcanon he and Sam stay in contact and that’s why Sam’s so good with all those spells. For sure.
Hermit witch!Sam as hunter resource who gives no shits about what the hunting community thinks about him but is actually highly respected (after probably about a decade of Sam being ostracized) and sought out.
Witch!Sam’s magical animal shelter don’t say it ain’t so. Animals everywhere. Piles of them. Oodles and bunches. Fur everywhere. Happy Sam.
I have tons of witch!Sam headcanons and many lovely people have shared theirs, and I archive them all here. And there’s also a witch!Sam tag for lovely art and aesthetics and gifs by people. ♥
I didn’t know cheetahs meow I’ve always thought they roar my whole life has been a lie
Ok but the other one is purring so hard
If I ever don’t reblog this assume I’m dead
Fun fact: technically, because of its inability to roar and its ability to purr, the cheetah is not a ‘big cat’ (or Great Cat) – they are still classified as Lesser Cats.
Also you haven’t heard anything until you hear them cheep.
the biggest lie, i think, the internet perpetuates about D&D is that a skinny little twink of a bard just needs to roll a nat 20 to seduce a dragon
like a dragon…a creature with more wealth and power than any other creature on the planet…a creature who is easily an 11/10 when they deign to take humanoid form…would look at your skinny little 8 STR half-elf Bard whose own father doesn’t even love them and go…yeah I’d like to fuck that
Counterpoint, my good man:
Dragonsfuck
Dragons fuck, clearly, but not just any joe blow schmoe with a big Charisma stat. If I’m Joseph J Dragon sitting on a small hill of gold and jewels I’m not gonna waste my time boning every monsterfucking tiefling twink with a lyre. I would have standards.
Counter-counterpoint: dragons are SUPER horny
Counter-counter-counterpoint: even if dragons are SUPERhorny they’ve got better prospects than spindly little bards!!!! They could be off fucking cloud giants or beholders or planetars!!!! They could be having sex with kraken in the middle of the ocean or fire giants in the mouth of an erupting volcano!
There is a wealth of sexual excess and opportunity available to dragons; so much that they do not need to be slumming it with an adventurer who hasn’t washed his ass in a month and a half and is probably covered in kobold blood by the time they get to the dragon’s lair!
Seriously!!!
I don’t care how many times you cast Charm Monster, the Elder Dragon who has probably slept with more princesses than there are princedoms is not going to bite! When you have bedded the most beautiful mortals on the Prime Material Plane on a pile of gold and jewelry you are not gonna be looking twice at any MOTHERFUCKEr who can’t at least True Polymorph to make things interesting
triple-counterpoint:
you’re right but please shut up you are actively ruining my 10 strength half-elf twink bard’s sexual prospects with this post
OP is right and they should say it
Actually…
As we can see from this most excellent chart, dragons can and will fuck anything. Even humans do not compare. The only species that can match dragons for horny-ness is, in fact, nymphs.
Therefore your twinky-ass lil bard has as good a chance as anyone. Go forth and thot your way through your DM’s carefully planned Big Bad encounter and
fuck the dragon.
@splickedylit
In response to this thread, I would say that that nat 20 represents the bard’s pick up line pinging the dragon’s kinks perfectly
Creatures rated by likelihood to go for the bard, according to this chart:
Dragons & Nymphs
Fiends & Celestials
Dryads
Sprites
Satyr
Giant
Creature least likely to go for the bard:
Lizardfolk
Moral of the story:
you can fuck the dragon, but you can’t fuck the humanoid lizardperson 🦎
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I used escapist fantasies as a coping mechanism to get through years of trauma and therefore never learned how to plan for a real life future
Alternatively: I went through periods of depression so frequent and intense that I never considered that I’d actually make it to my 20s so now I’m kinda just making it up as I go
artherra 